Giant Machines in a Circle

by Thorin Klosowski

Giant Machines Gather in Town Square

NEW HASTEVILLE — At 3pm EST yesterday, 33 machines arranged themselves in a circle in Oak Grove Park, near downtown. It is unclear why they are doing so.

Each machine is slightly different. Some are toasters. Others are robotic friend units. Others are just oddly sized black boxes. But the circle they form is perfect, and as more units added themselves to the circle, the others moved outward, making the circle bigger and bigger.

As of this morning, the machines remain in the circle, though no more machines showed up overnight. They appear to have rotated slightly counter-clockwise since last night. It is unclear why they’re here, though local authorities have been called in.

Authorities Scuffle Over Who Gets Jurisdiction Over Machine Circle

NEW HASTEVILLE — Local authorities have been pushed aside as the FBI, CIA, and an unknown government agency arrived in town to investigate the circle of machines in Oak Grove Park.

After local police were dumbfounded by the machines, the FBI showed up to scratch their own heads. Minutes later, a CIA van arrived and men in black suits stared at the circle with the same slack-jawed look. Eventually, another group arrived, looking much more assertive and knowledgeable about the whole thing. A fight between the agencies ensued, with nobody seeming to want the case. Eventually, the unknown party pushed everyone aside and set up their gear outside the circle.

All three agencies refused to answer the Tribune’s questions.

OP-ED: Robots Have to Go

It is of the opinion of this reporter that it’s time for us, the townspeople of New Hasteville, to take action against the “robots.”

They do nothing but waste space and sit in that circle. I certainly don’t know why they’re doing, and at this point I don’t care. I just want them gone. I want our park back before the Spring Formal.

I’ve spoken to many townspeople and everyone is in agreement here. Consider this an open letter to the mayor and to the shady government folk infiltrating our village: if you don’t do something about this, we will. I will destroy these machines if I have to. They are a threat to our way of life and our well-being and it is the responsibility of our elected officials to keep us safe.

The machines have to go.

Local Writer Leads March Against Machine Circle, Dies in Fight

NEW HASTEVILLE — A group of townspeople attempted to move or destroy the machines last night. All involved were killed.

At 2:34am, a group lead by Tribune op-ed writer Arthur Dexley took axes to the machines. After several minutes of chopping, the machines opened up, expanding outward like a cartoon barrel falling open, and unleashed lasers on everyone.

Within seconds, nothing remained. Some people believe the townsfolk were “moved” somewhere else, but the local authorities are running under the assumption the machines killed them. No official statement has been released by any of the government authorities on the scene.

Machines Leave, Town Begins to Mourn

NEW HASTEVILLE — The machines have left. At some point last night, resident insomniac Nigel Chester Friyer reported seeing the machines drift slowly up into the air, then rocket upwards.

By the time Tribune reporters arrived all that was left in the park were square-shaped dents in the grass. The FBI, CIA, and mystery government authority packed up and left.

The mayor announced late in the morning that an official day of mourning would take place for those who died attempting to destroy the machines. It will be held in Oak Grove Park at the site of the massacre at 1pm tomorrow.

The spring formal will take still place this weekend in the park from 7pm to 10pm.

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