Man Steals Bucket of Teeth

by Thorin Klosowski

May 27, 1998

An unemployed Egg Island man stole an official ritual bucket of teeth from a cave outside the town of Sed yesterday. The theft was immediately noticed, but the pursuit lasted for several hours before he was chased down and arrested.

“He walked in and grabbed the bucket like he knew what he was doing,” said Carlos Coleman, spokesperson of the Official Ritual Teeth Conservatory, “None of us would have thought much about it if he hadn’t run off like he did. You see, around this time of year someone always comes to clean the teeth, so we all just thought it was cleaning time.”

The suspect, Richard Mitchell, 67, reportedly walked into the cave, grabbed the bucket, then ran away just after 9 a.m., right after the ritual breakfast. He was eventually caught by authorities at 11 a.m., near the center of town, where authorities surrounded him. According to reports, for the two hours in between, Mitchell had run over to the water wheel, ate a small breakfast at Dot’s cafe, and possibly taken a nap underneath the old bridge on Toll Road.

In the town’s center, Mitchell took the opportunity to explain himself publicly before Authorities captured him, yelling to the crowd of people, Mitchell claimed, “These teeth have kept our town down for long enough, they are not a blessing, but a curse, can you not see that? They are teeth! How could a teeth be a blessing?!”

Mitchell seemed to want to say more, but as authorities closed in, he visibly panicked, kicked the bucket of teeth away from himself, then curled into a ball. Authorities walloped him a few times before growing bored, then picked him up, still curled up into a ball, and placed him in the back of a truck.

This is the latest in many anti-teeth bucket protests, which started last year in town, when author Marianna Ericks came to town on her book tour, extolling the virtues of living free from threats, rules, and boundaries of buckets of teeth. She claimed she’d seen other towns across the land prosper after destroying their buckets of teeth. The majority of townspeople find this absurd, but Ericks was able to convert a few to her side.

Aside from Mitchell’s attempt, we’ve seen attempted thievery or destruction of the teeth from four people, Oscar Dest, Lori Aster, Christina Marx, and Lawrence Grandfield.

“The destruction or theft of teeth will be met with the full force of the authority,” said Authority spokesperson Rachel Newing, “We will follow the rule of law and take these cases to their lawful conclusions.”

Conclusions, in this case, mean public execution with tooth extraction pre-shows. Mitchell’s execution is planned for tomorrow, by fire, with resident dentist Jennifer Masters extracting Mitchell’s teeth for the bucket at 10 a.m. with the burning starting at 11 a.m. Father Roberts will preside over the bucket and Authority security is expected to be on high alert.